Post by Soulfyre on Nov 7, 2004 1:37:02 GMT -5
I believed in the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ when I was 16 years old, through the testimony of a friend of the family. Enthused with my new faith, yet poorly schooled concerning the Christian life and the nature of spiritual conflict and daily obedeince to my Lord Jesus, I struggled when confronted with the temptations of college in the ‘60s. I later became involved with the campus ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, which proved of some help with my spiritual life. I believed I had been called to the ministry, and sought to continue my education at Dallas Theological Seminary. It was there that I discovered that seminary preparation was not designed to address issues of besetting sin or spiritual immaturity, but to further prepare the mature for service.
I had struggled with homosexual temptation, and became involved in a sinful liaison outside of seminary. I praise God that he granted me no peace in my deception, and eventually, in despair, I took the autumn of my senior year to go to L’Abri to seek answers. The personal ministry of Francis Schaeffer was instrumental in planting the seed for true repentance. But my lack of practiced commitment when I returned to seminary resulted in a return to sinful behavior, and an attempt at suicide. I left seminary, became involved with the homosexual “community” in Dallas, and descended into drug use and dissipation. Nevertheless, when I was encouraged to become involved in the Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, I could not. God would not allow me to deny fully what I new to be true, though I denied in practice. When I reached the nadir of my misery, I went to a deacon in a nearby Baptist church, who urged me to contact my family and return home. My family, who were Christians, received me with open arms, and the long, slow road of repentance and healing began in earnest.
Mine was not a dramatic "healing" or overnight change. I had years of struggle, punctuated by failures, remorse, repentance...and progressive transformation. In all of this, God would not let me go, and I clung to my belief in Jesus Christ as my salvation, hope, and Lord of my life. But what I believe was the turning point in my life occurred some years ago, after I had decided to shut the door on my past behaviors and actively pursue heterosexual relationships, including dating and possibly marriage. I was attending OSU for professional continuing education in the restaurant business. Because of my increasing knowledge of HIV, I realized my former lifestyle had presented some risk (although my actual participation in high-risk behavior was minimal), and decided to get tested as a precaution. It was the outcome of this test that set me back on my heels...I was, in fact HIV positive. In fact, the clinic at the school I was attending for continuing education in my career indicated that I had been HIV positive for some time.
The implications of this discovery were stark, and the impact on my future plans was dramatic. I realized that I would probably not be able to pursue my continuing education or career as I had planned. And I also realized that seeking a relationship with a woman—my hopes of marriage and family—was no longer an option. Such a relationship would put a woman's life at risk, and subject her to an emotional stress caused by my possible incapacitation and subsequent care. I did not believe that I could not truly love a person and knowingly subject them, even with their full knowledge and assent, to such risks. So my choice was difficult, but clear. I could seek friendship, but could not seek a spouse. I would live a celibate life, with all that it entailed. And I must tell my family, who were largely unaware of my struggles with sexual preference.
Fortunately, my family accepted the news with shared grief and mutual support. I finished my classes and returned to live at home with my parents. Later, I moved to Boston to seek work, but was made aware that there was a seminary north of Boston in South Hamilton, where I could complete my degree. I spoke to an administrator at the seminary, who accepted me as a student on a provisional basis. By the grace of God, I also received medical attention from a Christian doctor who had spoken at a church I attended in Boston, and God has seen fit to prolong my life. As I matured, so did my understanding of the forgiveness of God and His power in my life. I was supported and encouraged by my family and my church (often an all too unusual situation in people seeking to overcome homosexual passions and activity in their lives). And rather than seek the fellowship of people struggling with the same issues (which I deemed could be dangerous, and a potential source of temptation, given the emotional dynamics of such a situation), I sought out fellowship with heterosexual couples and individuals, in order to "re-socialize" my life in a more appropriate context.
I completed a seminary education at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in 1993 and returned home, where I participate in teaching a Sunday School class, minister through a blogsite and forum, sing occasionally, and am open to God's leading. I am committed to Jesus Christ as my salvation, my life, and my Lord. I am not free of temptation, but, by God's grace, such temptations have become infrequent, and God has preserved me from falling. I sometimes mourn the inability to seek a life's partner, a woman whom I could love and who would love me, for my frame of reference has indeed changed. But I have learned to rely on God to meet my emotional needs, and God's provision of loving parents, a supportive church, and some close heterosexual friendships has enabled me to rejoice in my life and his abundant mercy. I believe that every day I live is a gift from God, and that I will die no sooner and no later than God shall allow. God, in his sovereign grace has brought me through the devastation of disobedience and the harsh results, born in my own body. He reminds me that his grace, which has brought me thus far, is sufficient. So I humbly praise the Lord Jesus Christ, who atoned for my sin, and who, by the power of his resurrection, enables me to offer my life as a living sacrifice, made acceptable as an act of worship to him. Soli Deo Gloria.
I had struggled with homosexual temptation, and became involved in a sinful liaison outside of seminary. I praise God that he granted me no peace in my deception, and eventually, in despair, I took the autumn of my senior year to go to L’Abri to seek answers. The personal ministry of Francis Schaeffer was instrumental in planting the seed for true repentance. But my lack of practiced commitment when I returned to seminary resulted in a return to sinful behavior, and an attempt at suicide. I left seminary, became involved with the homosexual “community” in Dallas, and descended into drug use and dissipation. Nevertheless, when I was encouraged to become involved in the Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, I could not. God would not allow me to deny fully what I new to be true, though I denied in practice. When I reached the nadir of my misery, I went to a deacon in a nearby Baptist church, who urged me to contact my family and return home. My family, who were Christians, received me with open arms, and the long, slow road of repentance and healing began in earnest.
Mine was not a dramatic "healing" or overnight change. I had years of struggle, punctuated by failures, remorse, repentance...and progressive transformation. In all of this, God would not let me go, and I clung to my belief in Jesus Christ as my salvation, hope, and Lord of my life. But what I believe was the turning point in my life occurred some years ago, after I had decided to shut the door on my past behaviors and actively pursue heterosexual relationships, including dating and possibly marriage. I was attending OSU for professional continuing education in the restaurant business. Because of my increasing knowledge of HIV, I realized my former lifestyle had presented some risk (although my actual participation in high-risk behavior was minimal), and decided to get tested as a precaution. It was the outcome of this test that set me back on my heels...I was, in fact HIV positive. In fact, the clinic at the school I was attending for continuing education in my career indicated that I had been HIV positive for some time.
The implications of this discovery were stark, and the impact on my future plans was dramatic. I realized that I would probably not be able to pursue my continuing education or career as I had planned. And I also realized that seeking a relationship with a woman—my hopes of marriage and family—was no longer an option. Such a relationship would put a woman's life at risk, and subject her to an emotional stress caused by my possible incapacitation and subsequent care. I did not believe that I could not truly love a person and knowingly subject them, even with their full knowledge and assent, to such risks. So my choice was difficult, but clear. I could seek friendship, but could not seek a spouse. I would live a celibate life, with all that it entailed. And I must tell my family, who were largely unaware of my struggles with sexual preference.
Fortunately, my family accepted the news with shared grief and mutual support. I finished my classes and returned to live at home with my parents. Later, I moved to Boston to seek work, but was made aware that there was a seminary north of Boston in South Hamilton, where I could complete my degree. I spoke to an administrator at the seminary, who accepted me as a student on a provisional basis. By the grace of God, I also received medical attention from a Christian doctor who had spoken at a church I attended in Boston, and God has seen fit to prolong my life. As I matured, so did my understanding of the forgiveness of God and His power in my life. I was supported and encouraged by my family and my church (often an all too unusual situation in people seeking to overcome homosexual passions and activity in their lives). And rather than seek the fellowship of people struggling with the same issues (which I deemed could be dangerous, and a potential source of temptation, given the emotional dynamics of such a situation), I sought out fellowship with heterosexual couples and individuals, in order to "re-socialize" my life in a more appropriate context.
I completed a seminary education at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in 1993 and returned home, where I participate in teaching a Sunday School class, minister through a blogsite and forum, sing occasionally, and am open to God's leading. I am committed to Jesus Christ as my salvation, my life, and my Lord. I am not free of temptation, but, by God's grace, such temptations have become infrequent, and God has preserved me from falling. I sometimes mourn the inability to seek a life's partner, a woman whom I could love and who would love me, for my frame of reference has indeed changed. But I have learned to rely on God to meet my emotional needs, and God's provision of loving parents, a supportive church, and some close heterosexual friendships has enabled me to rejoice in my life and his abundant mercy. I believe that every day I live is a gift from God, and that I will die no sooner and no later than God shall allow. God, in his sovereign grace has brought me through the devastation of disobedience and the harsh results, born in my own body. He reminds me that his grace, which has brought me thus far, is sufficient. So I humbly praise the Lord Jesus Christ, who atoned for my sin, and who, by the power of his resurrection, enables me to offer my life as a living sacrifice, made acceptable as an act of worship to him. Soli Deo Gloria.
